


Hope in the Time of War

by Anonymous



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:58:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hope now filled every fiber of her being, even though she knew that she didn’t have the right to this hope.  The right could have been hers before the mountain and the decision to lead with her head and not her heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope in the Time of War

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 3x04 after Lexa's fight. How her visit with Clarke should have went.  
> This is my first fanfic writing so all feedback is welcome.  
> Thanks for the read!

Lexa couldn’t believe that she actually showed up to see her fight. The day had been hard for her mentally to get through up until the moment she had to fight Roan to prove to her people that she was still fit to command, something the people silently questioned after the events of Mount Weather. 

The decision to accept the Ice Queen’s challenge had been simple to make. The challenge was to her and to her alone, no one could prove how worthy she was to lead her people better than she could.

The hard part however was dealing with Clarke’s acceptance, or lack thereof of the challenge. She tried to remain patient and calm with Clarke. She knew that Clarke did not fully understand their ways. She knew that Clarke would stop at nothing to save her from the decision that she had made. She also knew that there was nothing that Clarke could do to change the course of action that her decision had placed into motion.

She knew that she had to let Clarke come to that realization on her own, but she’d have been lying to herself if Clarke’s concern didn’t give her hope that maybe, just maybe, Clarke cared whether or not Lexa lived or died.

She and Clarke had been through many things together within a short span of time. The time that she had been afforded to spend with Clarke allowed her to really see the woman that Clarke was. What stood out the most was her willingness to do whatever it took to ensure her people’s safety. This they had in common. It also shocked her at how quickly admiration and respect for this woman grew into care and from care to love. 

Lexa had known for some time that this was the feeling to describe what she had felt for Clarke. Her heart was awake again. It now craved the closeness of another, but love was weakness, she knew this in her mind, but her heart kept getting in the way. She was certain that Costia’s death had shattered any remnants of her heart. In the time after Costia’s death she didn’t feel, she simply led. And it had been working in her favor. She never fathomed the idea that love would ever be possible for her again, but something happened, the smallest of something happened that rerouted her course when Clarke stepped into her tent for the first time and she had been powerless to stop it.

Hope now filled every fiber of her being, even though she knew that she didn’t have the right to this hope. The right could have been hers before the mountain and the decision to lead with her head and not her heart. The genesis of this hope came when she fully allowed herself to live inside a moment in time where she believed that her life could be about more than just surviving. Surviving was what she had known, was what made sense, but Clarke believed that life could be more, that it was more and she had come from the sky. She had never experienced life on the ground and still she believed this.

Her heart now being fully awakened and quickened by this revelation, made her react in a way that she never had before. When her lips touched Clarke’s for the first time it felt like taking her first breath. She didn’t know what Clarke’s reaction would be. She knew that there was an attraction and a chemistry there, but it could have all been one sided, but when she felt Clarke kiss her back, she knew that she had not been wrong. And even though Clarke pulled away, she knew that she was willing to give her the time that she needed to be ready to move forward with what could be for them.

She knew the moment she had accepted the offer of the mountain men that that thriving hope would be shattered. It was a sacrifice that she was willing to make if meant getting her people back safely with no more loss of life. She knew that she had made an agreement with the sky people to fight as one to take down the mountain, but she knew better than anyone that plans often changed in battle. She was at peace with the decision that she had made.

What she did not account for was how hard it would be to tell Clarke of that decision. Looking into those blue eyes that had begun to water and feeling every plea from the woman standing in front of her within her own heart, Lexa tried with all of her might not to waver in her words or stance. Even upon hearing herself apologize to Clarke, she knew that she could not undo the detriment that she now caused Clarke with her decision. In that moment hope disappeared and all that was left was the look of betrayal in Clarke’s eyes as she turned her back to Clarke and walked away.

That same hope reemerged when her eyes met Clarke’s right before the fight with Roan began, she was almost certain. She was definitely sure when the match was over and she had emerged the victor. She saw the look of relief and thankfulness in those blue eyes that she had not died, but lived.

Her adrenaline was still pumping from the fight as she was dressing for bed. She had known her training and skills as a fighter and commander had made her a real contender against Roan, but her victory gave her a renewed vigor for life. A life she no longer wanted to live alone. Even now she realized in this moment she didn’t want to be alone. There was only one person she wanted to see. Maybe now was her chance. Maybe Clarke had found it in her heart to forgive her. Maybe. 

She made her way down the hall and to Clark’s door and knocked. In the time it took Clarke to get to the door, Lexa realized an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. What was she going to say? Besides its late, maybe Clark was already in bed. Worse, what if Clarke rejected her and didn’t let her in? She knew that her heart could not stand the thought of that. Maybe she should turn around before Clarke answered. It was too late. The door came open and there she was, standing in the doorway, blue eyes looking into green. What to say? She doesn’t know so she nods. Thankfully Clarke speaks and allows her entrance into the room. Suddenly there was electricity touching her. Clarke had reached down to grab her wounded hand. Caring. That’s one of the many things she loved about Clarke, how she cared for others and how naturally it came to her. She had hands that could heal, she spoke words that gave her hope, and a presence that made her feel whole again. 

She sat quietly as Clarke grabbed bandages for her hand, she was still unsure of herself in this moment, still not knowing her true intentions for visiting Clarke on this night of nights. The adrenaline was definitely wearing off. Now she had to stand on her own, faced with her feelings. This all felt so new to her.  
Clarke continues the conversation upon taking her seat opposite Lexa without any prompting and for that Lexa was grateful. She could answer questions, that was easy. Clarke smiles. What had she done to be rewarded with such an unexpected treat as this? Could she have been forgiven? Was this Clarke’s way of letting her know? Lexa speaks, trying for a simple thank you. The answer is not what she anticipates however, Clarke answers coldly and impersonally. Lexa is slightly hurt, but not deterred. She remembered Clarke saying earlier that day that her fighting was more than just about the well-being of her people if Lexa lost. In that moment Clarke was afraid that she could lose Lexa and Lexa knew that was undeniable, maybe Clarke just wasn’t ready to accept it yet in the face of Lexa now, in this moment.

Clarke speaks again, only this time the question she asks masked the question she wants to ask but doesn’t. That question was how could she ever trust Lexa again. Lexa answers the asked question as truthfully as she can. It really wasn’t personal, her ambassadors did what they thought was best for their people, the same as Lexa did when she made the decision on the mountain.

Clarke seems to ponder the answer and whether or not she understood it, it seems she wasn’t ready to accept it. She stands much to Lexa’s surprise, her bandaging of Lexa’s hand finished and bids her good night. Lexa stands hesitantly wanting desperately to say more, but she did not wish to push past Clarke’s boundaries. She would leave the situation as it stood for now, but before she could bid Clarke the same good night, her hands reached out in front of her to grab Clarke’s hands and she stepped closer into her space. She looked down at the intertwined hands and then back up at Clarke. To her surprise, Clarke didn’t pull away from her.

“I would leave if I thought that’s what you wanted. I would say that I am sorry about the mountain if I thought that’s what you wanted. I wouldn’t even stand in your way if you no longer wished to stay here in Polis if I thought that’s what you wanted, even if me leaving this room right now and you going back to Arkadia are the opposite of what I want.”

Clarke was silent for a beat, Lexa could tell that she was thinking; processing what she had just heard. She finally finds the words she was searching for.

“Every time I think that I’m past the mountain, I see you and I can’t help but think you left me; left us,” she said with a shrug, hands still held in Lexa’s.

“I know that I hurt you and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish circumstances could have been different that day. I just hoped that you could come to understand why what I did had to be done Clarke.”

“I trusted you,” Clarke whispers.

“I know.”

“I often go back to that day in the tent before the flare went off and I wonder was any of that real. Did you even care at all ab---“  
Lexa cuts her off.

“I care Clarke, I did care. My decision had nothing to do with how I felt about you, you have to know that.”

Clarke releases her hands from Lexa’s and runs them both over the top of her head and turns her back to Lexa. Maybe Lexa had cause irreparable damage and maybe they could never go back to the way things were before the mountain. Lexa dips her head in defeat as she feels the pang of tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

“It’s okay Clarke, I’ll go. Good night ambassador.”

Lexa is halfway between Clarke and the door when Clarke speaks again, facing Lexa’s back.

“You could have died today.”

Lexa stops and without turning around says, “But I didn’t.”

“I’m glad that you didn’t. I still need you.”

At those words Lexa turned around and looked at Clarke in the eyes and she saw the sincerity of her words etched across her face.

“There are so many things I want to say, need to say to you, dying was not an option. How we are is not how I wanted us to end.”

Lexa walked back up to Clarke, planting a chaste kiss on her lips and rubbing the back of her hand against Clarke’s cheek. Clarke leaned into the caress as she closed her eyes briefly. When she opened them again, they beckoned for Lexa to kiss her again and Lexa willingly obliged. She kissed her gently, savoring the connection. Lexa didn’t rush, she took her time because she did not want this moment to end. Lexa’s hands found the small of Clarke’s back and made a home there as Clark pressed her entire body into Lexa, hands firmly around Lexa’s waist. Clarke’s tongue found Lexa’s as Lexa’s hand reached up to rest against Clarke’s cheek. Lexa’s body craved Clark’s touch and she wanted to give Clarks’ body the attention it deserved. Clarke broke away from the kiss first, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s.

“Do you want me to leave,” Lexa asked breathily.

“No. Stay with me,” Clarke says as she lifted her head to swiftly kiss Lexa on the lips again.

They both walk over to the bed on either side and pull back the furs. They climb in facing each other and lay on their sides, heads on separate pillows. Clark’s hand caresses Lexa’s face.

“I’ll wait for you. As long as you need,” Lexa says.

Clarke smiles.

With that Clarke turns away from her, pushing her body into Lexa’s . Lexa instantly puts her arm around Clarke’s waist, pulling her into her as close as she can get, plants several kisses on Clark’s shoulder and they both drift off to sleep.


End file.
